Puddle Jumping

The last week or so has been pretty tough. Dealing with another loss, while at the same time trying to be a great mom (or by my perfectionist fault trying to be a perfect mom) to a very busy 2 1/2 year old. With all the back and forth emotions from thinking everything was not going good, then getting good news, and then losing our baby... I was exhausted. My emotions didn't react the way they normally do. The sadness was there, but I think I was just numb from the push and pull that instead of one big waterfall it's been sort of a trickle effect.

With each day, I feel much better and am finally feeling not so exhausted. This time has been a little easier in some ways and just as hard in others When we lost our Angel Baby I went through phases of being very angry with God, doubting Him, questioning His plan, etc. It was a hard time, a very conflicting time, because how could I be so angry with someone who helped guide me to creating such a wonderful marriage with Bryan and who gave me the beautiful gift of Jackson? I didn't want to be mad at Him, but I was. I remember the day when God spoke to me through Steven Curtis Chapman's song, "With Hope." It brought a comfort that I was craving, that opened up my mind and heart to Him again. Throughout this last year as I healed my faith grew so much. So this time, because I had already worked through those feelings and because of where I am in my faith I immediately found comfort with Him and in the many blessings in my life.

I feel overwhelmingly comforted through my faith, through my relationship with Bryan, Jackson, my friends and our family, but it's still very hard. And it's also very frustrating not knowing exactly what happened and why it happened and not knowing if this is going to happen again. The last part scares me to be honest. I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but I really hope He doesn't think I can handle this again. I do feel peace working inside me and I feel hopeful about us bringing another healthy baby into this world some day despite all of these unknowns, so I'm going to pray that those feelings continue to take the front seat like they did today.

When it rains I always get an "Oh bummer!" from Jackson. He loves to play outside so rain really cramps his style. I always take him outside afterwards to jump in the puddles when the rain stops and after only one splash that "Oh bummer!" turns into "Yeah! Puddles!" "Look at me Mommy!" "5 more minutes please!" As I stopped to take pictures a couple days ago of his splashing I thanked God for teaching me to "puddle jump" if you will. To search for the beauty in hard times, to stop and enjoy what you have in the now, that bummer situations can bring good... Here's hoping to my rain bringing big fabulous puddles to jump in.

The cutest puddle jumper ever!