In the Arms of Jesus

Sometimes the world doesn't make sense...

Last night we lost our beautiful baby.

Friday night as I was going to sleep I turned to Bryan and told him that I felt something was wrong. I was having cramping coming in waves that felt like contractions and just the sense that something was off. I drifted off in prayer, but woke the next morning with heavier bleeding. I put myself on bed rest and that seemed to help until midday when I awoke from a nap with horrible cramping and much more bleeding. I called the Dr. and they had me come in even though we all knew what was happening. By this point my HCG had dropped to around 600 and with the physical signs...

Why this happened, I don't know. It's been a roller coaster of emotions the last couple of weeks. We are numb and sad. I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow or the next day, but I do know that we will get through this together, probably with a lot of snuggling involved with my two favorite guys.

Last night as we were driving home I thought..."oh know I can't believe I blogged about our good news only to deliver our sad news now...I feel so bad!" But this is life. Sometimes good things happen and sometimes bad things happen and it helps me to write about it.

I said in my last blog that I'll remember seeing our baby's heartbeat in the ultrasound as one of the most beautiful moments in my life and that has not changed. Forever that will be a part of me.

I came across this poem today:

---------------------------------------------------------

"Daddy please don't look so sad,momma please don't cry.

Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies.

Please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.

Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind.

You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above.

I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.

I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.

Look for the brightest star and know

that's my halo's brilliant light.

You'll see me in the morning frost

that mists your window pane.

That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.

When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows.

Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose.

When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug,

Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug.

So daddy don't looks so sad and momma please don't cry.

I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!"

------------------------------------------------------

While I will never understand our losses I do know that my sweet babies are up in heaven and I'm hoping that when I meet them someday it will be to us as if no time has passed. As if they were so caught up in playing at the park and running around that when they look up I'll be there catching them at the bottom of the slide.