With Hope: Losing our Angel Baby

On May 20th I went in for my 12 week ultrasound with my new perinatologist. I was seeing her because of the complications I had with Jackson, so I had mentally prepared myself for the possibility she was going to tell me that I might need bedrest or some type of restriction. I was not prepared for her to tell me the words that I will never forget, "Jennifer, we have a problem." The somber tone in her voice did not leave me wondering what she meant. How could 5 words change my life forever? She began to tell me through my hysterical tears that my sweet baby had died 2 weeks prior to this visit and that the ultrasound showed possible chromosomal abnormalities. The picture of my baby, my sweet baby, on that screen will never be erased from my mind. Words cannot describe the ache that filled my heart that day. An ache of loss that throughout the last few months has changed course many different times from disbelief, anger, sadness, acceptance, peace, and now hope.

On Tuesday, May 21st, I woke up knowing that I needed to say goodbye to the baby I was still carrying. I remember when I first found out that I was pregnant I couldn't fathom loving another child as much as I love Jackson, but at that moment I could almost physically feel my heart get bigger and make room to hold the love of my second child, my child that I will just have to wait a little longer to meet. We then went to the hospital for the most part of that day for my D&C. Because they thought the problem was chromosomal it was best to have genetic testing done and with my prior complications with Jackson we needed to find out what our options would be to conceive again. It's still too painful to talk more about this day.

We found out 8 weeks later, yes 8 weeks of waiting later that our Angel Baby is a boy. And that the Dr. was right to assume that there was a chromosomal abnormality. The tests showed that our baby had an extra 21st chromosome. This is known as Trisomy 21, a form of down syndrome. Without going into all of the scientific details this is not the type of down syndrome that is inherited. Statistically someone my age has a 1/1200 chance of this happening and only a 1% chance that it will occur in future pregnancies. As sad as this news was it did bring us closure and hope that some day we will have a chance to bring another healthy baby into our family. We had already made peace that our baby is with God where he needs to be, but it's hard not to feel the opposite sometimes. A family friend said that when she pictures Jesus, she pictures him walking around with a baby in his arms. I believe that one day I will be reunited with my Angel Baby and that I will instantly recognize him and praise God for the wonderful care he received.

I couldn't have gotten through this without Bryan and Jackson. If you know Bryan, my loving husband, you know what a gentle sweet soul he is. Throughout this hard time he cried with me, listened to my questions, was quiet with me, talked through his own grief with me, and reminded me of the wonderful blessings in my life. Through Jackson we are reminded of God's love for us that he would bless us with this absolutely precious boy that fills our days with joy. Joy that radiates in every moment. If I'm feeling sad I just go and grab my little red headed cutie pattootie and give him a great big squeeze. My heart just melts when he tells me "i wuv woo."

Last weekend we went to my parent's house to celebrate my dad's retirement and my mom's birthday. In the midst of all this excitement my sister, mom, and I squeezed in time for just the girls. As we were drinking our tea my mom and sister remembered my sweet Angel Baby with a mini baby shower. My sister gave me the ceramic heart that you see above and my mom crocheted a blanket for him as she has done for each of her grandbabies. As I pulled the beautiful blanket to my chest it was almost as if I was holding him in my arms. It felt so good to let time stop and honor my baby that will be in our hearts forever. I will add these to the keepsake box I've been creating for the baby filled with mementos, including ultrasound pictures and cards from friends and family. Thank you to everyone who has kept us in your thoughts and prayers throughout our healing process. As we stop to thank God for the many blessings in our life we thank him for all of you.